Chu on this PLUS How To Fail at Body Language

Having only lived in Perth for a year, I only know what it is like now. But I do get told A LOT that things have been improving rapidly within the last year. I'm glad to hear that because if I had arrived a year earlier, I wouldn't have lasted. The recent openings of a large number of great bars and truly excellent food places has been encouraging for someone like me (a food wanker from Melbourne) because in Melbourne you cant walk 500 metres without tripping over a now-disused fixie with a sign on it pointing down an alleyway to the newest coffee house or dungeon burger bar.

This is both good and bad, in a way. Good because good stuff is good, generally. Bad because people here like to say that their new coffee shop is "so Melbourne" and really, Perth shouldn't want to be Melbourne Lite, Perth should want to be Perth, attractive in it's own right. Sure it needed a swift kick in the "catch the fuck up" direction but it is also becoming a cool place, has LOADS of potential and should capitalise on it's own strengths - the strengths that Melbourne and Sydney don't have.

Perth has, and I say this quite earnestly, the BEST beaches I have ever seen and I lived in the Whitsundays. And they are right near the city. So it kind of baffles me why they are building the city up with great bars and restaurants when there is fuck-all beachside. Every single bit of Perth's coastline is postcard scenery but do any of the cool new bars or restaurants look out over it? Duh, no, because logic. Perth also has other dumb stuff about it like how bad people are at merging, indicating or accelerating and using the steering wheel at the same time, but let's not talk about that now or I'll have an aneurysm.

So... new awesome places for food! Bakery treats, to be more specific. I love pastry stuff like croissants. And doughnuts. And that delicate blend of arse-fattening alchemy that is the Cronut. It's ALL pretty great in my opinion and I'm prepared to travel for the good stuff. Luckily, for a visit to Chu Bakery, I only had to go to Highgate. Directly opposite Hyde Park too, which is lovely. And while they didn't have Cronuts, they did have some other stuff right on par.

I went at 11am on a Wednesday and the place was busy. It's only a small place and I don't think they were expecting the rush because there was only one person serving and getting served did take longer than it should have*. There was only one barista on too, so coffee took too long too. But maybe thats my inner-Melbournian poking his head out. They only do two sizes of coffee as well, which is an idea I like (KISS) but unfortunately, the small coffee is too small and ultimately unsatisfying. But only just. By like 50mls. Top notch brew though, well done that barista.

I ordered a decent-sized Cinnamon donut which was light, sweet and a perfect complement to my coffee. At $3.50 for one donut it would want to be pretty fucking good and yeah it was. But still, $3.50?

Cinnamon Doughnuts, Croissants and Deep Fried Orgasms

HOWEVER, I then moved on to the first thing that caught my eye when I walked in. The Boston Cream Donut. Now, I dont know what this particular style of donut has to do with Boston and I don't really care. All I know is that when it comes to donuts, Americans have got that shit DOWN.
And right here, with this particular piece of boner-inducing artery clog, so does Chu Bakery. A light donut, topped with sticky chocolate icing and chock full of a creamy, vanilly custard, this was the highlight of my day (and I had a Mixed Grill for dinner). The only thing not to like about it was the price - $5.50 is just too much for one donut, even if it was better than an orgasm.

They have other stuff like Eclairs and Pastry Puffs filled with green stuff and/or brown stuff

The store itself is a light, crisp-looking joint, all windows and cleanliness and aesthetic pleasure. Staff uniforms are smart, service was nice if a little slow and generally all was quite good except that they have definitely thrown the old "Perth Tax" on the prices and that sucks. Two donuts and a SMALL (see above) coffee for $13 odd is quite frankly, piss-take pricing. Other than that, I was very satisfied with my visit.


*One of those odd things happened while I was in the store - When I walked in, there were a few people ahead of me, in no formal line - people were just milling about at the counter and informally ordering as they thought it was their turn and in general, being polite to one another. A bloke had been standing a fair way from the counter when I walked in, so far so that I walked comfortably between him and the counter. He looked like he was waiting for his (already purchased) order to be filled. I patiently waited til my turn, ordered, paid and then waited next to him, Twittering. After EVERYBODY else in the store had ordered, this bloke then frustratedly says loudly "Is she blind?!", turns and walks out of the store with nothing. After standing there for probably 10 minutes, it turned out that he hadn't even ordered anything. I looked around a bit and no-one seemed to care. I can't say it was the server's fault - to me (and her, no doubt) his body language didn't say he wanted to order. He never approached the counter because if he were near enough to it, the other polite patrons would have let him know it was his turn. It was just odd.

On the wings of a Buffalo I dine...

Knowing I'm partial to a good burger, a lovely friend told me about a place called "Chimek" in the Freo Markets that has been getting a lot of buzz on social media so we went there last week to see what they had on offer.

To sum it up in a single word, I would say it's "different". But that's not a bad thing. Chimek are known for their burgers and interestingly their menu consists of just TWO different burgers, both different in different ways.

When you first look at the menu, it's hard not to notice the "Charcoal Burger" (and quietly whisper WTAF to yourself)  which has a bun infused with Bamboo Charcoal Powder and also an aioli which has cuttlefish ink in it and it is actually pretty great even if it did make me ask the biggest food question of them all "Why?". My guess was that it is supposed to add a distinctive smell or taste but if there is one, I didn't notice it. A few of the comments on their facebook page have mentioned that it looks "mouldy" or "rotten" but in your hands it doesn't come across that way - it is a really delicious burger even if unaided by the charoal. I would go back for this.

The second option is a pork burger with delicious meat but which is served in a fruity bun with cranberries in it - it didn't really work for me and my dining companion didn't like it at all. I'm all for mixing sweet and savoury and seeing what happens (Salted Caramel, anyone?) but this didn't quite match up. It was kind of like putting char siu pork on a hot cross bun and it gets a Nah Mate from me. As with all things food, it's subjective and comes down to individual tastebuds so if you do go down to Chimek don't be afraid to try it, it may just be the sweet and savoury mix you have been craving.

Aside from the burgers they offer a range of chicken wings which are indeed a saving grace. They have a few more options in this range including Honey Soy but I went for my old favourite Buffalo Wings. They did not disappoint. Coated in a lovely seasoning, crispily fried and doused in Buffalo hot sauce and then extinguished with cheesey sauce stuff, these wings are among the best Buffalo Wings I've had in Perth, easily matching it with both Johnny's Burgers and Varsity for quality, taste and portion size. Chimek is also cheaper than anywhere else I can think of, and on Friday nights there is a DJ playing so that's another bonus.

Slight Change To Blog

OK, so while I do love a good list, maybe doing ONLY "Top 5" lists isn't the way to go with a food blog. After having a think about it, I realised I am all about the good stuff, WHEREVER and WHATEVER that may be, so why not blog about the great food that we have here as it is?

This isn't a competition, to me anyway, and to be constantly ranking things that are so subjective is actually largely meaningless. So instead of doing rankings, Im just going to tell about stuff that I have really enjoyed.

I'm not going to bag places overly harshly either - if it genuinely sucked, I might mention that I tried it but other than that I will probably just not write about it, unless something funny happened while I was there.

Perth Top 5 - Burgers

Do you know why burgers are so great? Because a burger can be whatever you want it to be and it's pretty much never wrong. It can include as many or as few ingredients or as varied ingredients as you want and still be labeled a burger. It can literally be a bun with a single meat patty on it. Not wrong.
It can be a bread roll with three meat patties, beetroot, pineapple and a fried egg and it's still not wrong. You can use pulled pork, "Nut Loaf", a chicken breast, a slab of fried tofu or a giant field mushroom instead of a beef patty and it's still not wrong.
Cheese? Whatever kind you like. Seven slices? Bowel-clogging, sure, but still not wrong.
The bun itself can be literally any type of bread. Turkish bread? Great. Brioche? Sugar-bun? Plain old white bread and its NOT WRONG. Society can learn a lot from burgers.

Perth does burgers pretty well. It has definitely been playing catch-up in the last year or so and there are some great burger options available, from top-notch gourmet to simple, traditional, old-fashioned burgers. So here, as assembled by me is a list of five great burger places in Perth that shouldn't disappoint. I know there are many more than this but I wanted to stay away from the "chain" places (Grill'd, Jus, Maccas) and I also wanted to provide options for every budget, just because, so leave your comments below telling me about your preferences and why I'm right or wrong and I will probably go to whatever places you recommend and write another article.

5. Red Chilli Burger, North Perth
Burger buns have been going through a bit of a revolution lately with Brioche buns coming out the seeming new popular favourite. I do like Brioche but I also like to have other options. And one of the best and most neglected options is the Turkish Bread bun, which is the bun that Red Chilli have chosen as their anchor. It's light, chewy, toasts well and keeps its integrity when juiced-up, which is important when coming to the end of a dripping burger. Win. The other thing I really like about Red Chilli is it's utter lack of pretentiousness. This place is closer to an old-fashioned fish and chip shop than to a modern, dark wood burger place. They have modern Tattoo mags spread around the tables and the dude who served me looked like a tattooed hipster but actually knew how to do customer service. And the burger was priced extremely well - $12 for the "Baconator" is excellent. Actually, all the pricing here is great, with none of their standard burgers over $14. Even the extras are well-priced with extra bacon only $1.50 unlike some other places that charge $3 or $4. Well worth a visit.

Red Chilli Burgers come with "Tomayo" which is an excellent Tomato Sauce/ Mayo cross

4. Rockpool, Crown Burswood

Eating a burger at Rockpool means you can tell your friends you ate at Rockpool

OK, so this is probably the most upmarket burger in the whole city. Wagyu beef, the crispiest bacon, brioche bun, melty cheese... all the good things and a $24 price tag to boot. But this was seriously an outstanding burger. I did feel like a pleb wearing a hoodie in a restaurant full of well-dressed people but, you know, I was. The staff were excellent and welcoming, the service was prompt and professional, altogether this is a five-star burger experience so the price tag should be higher. And considering some of Perth's street burgers are upwards of $20, this is well worth it. Also, they have probably the best onion rings you will ever eat. And the bartender made me a Rum Old-Fashioned while we chatted about the cricket. You don't get that at most places.

3. Alfred's, Guildford
Classic, old-timey Alfred's is a mainstay of the entire city of Perth. This place has been around since 1946, so it's hard to meet anyone in Perth who hasn't been to Alfred's for a late night burger and it's pretty much impossible to meet anyone who didn't love it. This is old fashioned burgers at their best. Simple, good quality, well-cooked and quickly delivered and then you can sit by an open fire while you stuff it down your face.

2. Johnny's Burger Joint, Canning Vale

Johnny's Root Beer float is worth the journey to Canning Vale.

It's a bit of a drive from the city out to Canning Vale to visit Johnny's but for a true burger lover it is worth it. One of the first times I visited Johnny's I was greeted by the man himself who explained that he grew up on the American-style stuff he now sells and he opened the store because you just couldn't get that type of food in Perth. He was absolutely right. You still cant, really, unless you go to Johnny's. There are almost too many burgers to choose from and they are so big it's hard to get through a whole burger yourself, especially when you will want to order most of the sides. They have things like curly fries, chilli cheese fries, cheese and bacon fries, excellent onion rings and Buffalo Wings and you will want them ALL. Other places have versions of Chili Cheese Fries but Johnny's puts them all to shame. They also have a huge range of American drinks like Cherry 7-Up and Snapple which just adds to the awesome. Oh and if you want to settle the argument between your mates about who is the biggest eater, Johnny's have Challenge Burgers which, finished or unfinished get you up on the Wall of Fame or the Wall of Shame accordingly.

1. Varsity Burger, Northbridge

This is Varsity's Double Cheeseburger. Sublime.

Varsity Burgers are the best burgers in Perth. Top notch ingredients, well-cooked, excellently proportioned and quickly served. I have had every burger from Varsity's hole-in-the-wall burger outlet (except for the Presley, a Peanut Butter and Banana mash-up) and they have all been fantastic. Their buttermilk-fried Chicken "Soul" burger is a delight but their standard burgers are outstanding too. It's all great meat, crispy bacon, toasted brioche and melty, pore-filling cheese at it's best. They do excellent Buffalo Wings and good chilli-cheese fries but are let down by their lack of onion rings. Its all excellent with one exception - they are a little too pricey with an average burger price of around $18. If you want more than burgers and fries, visit Varsity Bar in Crawley, they have the full American menu and some great weekday specials like $5 Cheeseburgers on Thursdays.

Welcome to Top 5 Perth

Top 5 Perth. It is exactly as it sounds. The Top 5 "things" in Perth, as ranked by me, because I can. Perth is growing. It's changing and improving all the time, caching up to Australia's other cities that offer amazing food, coffee, bars, whatever and Im getting around to all of it.

I will endeavour to put it all up here so that you can go places you may not have heard of before, try new things, decide which ones YOU like best. And for whatever that may be, leave a comment letting me know about other great places you have been, so others can find out about the hidden awesome of Perth and experience it for themselves.

Cheers